Oh That Figgis!
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril's attempts to apologize to Lana backfire. Again.


**I think Cyril did something with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. This fic takes place very shortly after the two stories, The Fourth Law of Robotics and The Lana and Ray show.**

 **Oh That Figgis! **

"Ugh," Pam slightly reddened from sunburn took a drink of beer as she sat next to Ray on the couch in the bullpen. "Now I know how a medium rare steak feels. All that's missing is some A1 sauce on my ass."

"Told you to put more sunscreen on," Ray said in an amused tone as he casually sipped on a glass of scotch.

"Bitch," Pam glared at him.

"Right back at you," Ray casually raised his glass before taking another sip.

"It was worth it as hell," Pam admitted before taking another drink. "Had a fun day at the beach. Shame it had to end so soon."

"I know," Ray sighed. "I could have really gone for some sex on the beach."

"I think we had the right ingredients to make that drink," Pam said.

"Who's talking about the **drink**?" Ray quipped. "Zing!"

"Nice," Pam nodded.

"Lana! Lana!" Cyril pleaded as he followed Lana into the bullpen. "LANA!"

"WHAT?" Lana whirled on him.

"Tonight, playing the part of Sterling Archer…" Ray quipped.

"Lana are we going to talk about what happened?" Cyril sighed.

"What is there to talk about?" Lana said. "I have nothing to say. Except for the fact that you are a lying cheating creep."

"How is having sex with your robot cyborg clone cheating on you?" Cyril blinked. "When we're **not** dating? I don't get that."

"You're not going to get a lot of things in the future," Ray quipped.

"Shut up!" Cyril snapped. "Lana I'm sorry okay? But it's not like I was the only one doing it! And you seemed to forgive the others!"

"We brought booze so…" Pam shrugged.

"That does kind of make a difference," Ray nodded.

"Shut up!" Cyril snapped at them before turning back to Lana. "And don't forget they had sex with my robot clone but I don't hold…Well half as much of a grudge against them as you do against me!"

"Again, we're not obsessed with banging Lana," Pam added.

"You know I have a sex addiction!" Cyril snapped. "And it was cheaper than hiring a hooker!"

"Not helping Cyril," Ray groaned. "So **not** helping!"

"Did that sound better in your head or…?" Pam gave Cyril a look.

"Cyril as far as I'm concerned," Lana glared at him. "This latest incident of your dick running amok is just one more reason of the many, **many** reasons we will **not** get back together!" She turned around on her heel and left.

"Oh but when Archer's dick runs amok that's **okay?"** Cyril snapped. _"Seriously?"_

He turned around and saw Ray and Pam looking at him. "WHAT?"

"You know Cyril," Ray said. "Every time I think you can't screw up your relationship with Lana even more than you already have. You surprise me."

"I mean," Pam added. "Archer screwing up and screwing around with Lana is a given. But you like go above and beyond that."

"You're one to talk!" Cyril snapped. "You were having sex with any robot that moved! And some that didn't!"

"But I didn't date Lana idiot!" Pam snapped. "I just had sex with her that one time."

"Did that sound better in your head or…?" Cyril blinked.

"You have to understand Cyril," Ray said. "Every time you go after Lana and fail. Every time you throw away what little there is of your self-respect and dignity…It's hilarious."

"It's incredibly entertaining for the rest of us," Pam finished.

"It's like I'm watching a live version of my favorite new show," Ray quipped. "Oh That Figgis!"

"Ha, ha," Cyril glared at Ray.

"Or how about…?" Ray suggested. "I Hate Figgis. That Idiot Figgis. Figgin' It."

"Are you _done_?" Cyril snapped.

"Nope I've got a few more," Ray shrugged. "What's Not Happening Figgis? What's Wrong With You Figgis? Everybody Hates Figgis. The Marvelous Misadventures of Fig Brain."

"SpongeBob No Pants," Pam added.

"Good one," Ray snickered. "How about The Howdy Dumbass Show?"

"Figgis the Menace," Pam added.

"Cyril's Lack of Love Connection," Ray went on.

"Blade Humper," Pam snorted. "You know? Because you had sex with a robot that looks like Lana."

"Lana Doesn't Love Figgis," Ray added. "Bachelor in Hell."

"The Dick!" Pam quipped. "You know it works on so many levels. Because you're the head of a detective agency and you're a dick. And you have a huge dick."

Ray told her. "I like that one. I think we have a winner there."

"I tell you someone should put me in a focus group or something for TV shows," Pam nodded. "I think I'd kill it."

"I'd like to kill you…" Cyril growled. "But I'll settle for docking a day's pay since nobody showed up yesterday!"

"Wait we get _paid?"_ Pam blinked. "Since **when**?"

"I can't remember our last **actual** paycheck," Ray realized. "I'm pretty sure it was before the Double Indecency Incident."

"I've just been skimming money from the accounts," Pam said.

"Me too," Ray nodded.

" _What?"_ Cyril shouted.

"Ms. Archer's password is Duchess!" Pam said. "Not that hard to figure out!"

"And since she has access to the agency's accounts…" Ray shrugged.

"Oh, for the love of…" Cyril winced. "No wonder our bank account keeps dwindling!"

"Still not as much as Ms. Archer takes out," Ray pointed out.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can't claim champagne as a deductible," Pam agreed.

"How much did she buy **this time?"** Cyril shouted.

"You didn't see that huge crate in the back?" Ray asked.

"AAAHGGGH!" Cyril screamed.

"Cyril, we need to talk," Mallory walked in with Lana behind her. She had some kind of magazine in her hand.

"Act Two," Ray snickered. Cyril glared at him.

"Oh, we need to talk all right," Cyril gave Mallory a look.

"About how you are spending money for this agency," Mallory sniffed.

"Interesting choice of words," Cyril said. "Which is what exactly I was going to say to **you!** "

"We saw the article Cyril," Lana said.

"What article?" Ray asked.

"Cyril put an article about himself and the agency in this week's Penny Saver," Lana explained.

"And I'm a little upset that you didn't tell me about it," Mallory sniffed.

"You mean like how **you** didn't tell me you bought a crate of champagne with agency money?" Cyril snapped. "Without my approval?"

"WHAT?" Lana barked.

"Oh **that,** " Mallory waved. "It's nothing."

"No, it's **not!** " Cyril snapped. "How much did you spend? You can't possibly drink an entire crate…What am I saying? It'll be gone by the end of the week!"

"It's not all for me, stupid," Mallory snapped. "I'm going to resell them and make a profit."

"For the agency?" Cyril asked.

Mallory paused. "Sure. Why not?"

"Where did you get a crate of champagne?" Lana asked. "Oh Mallory, you didn't buy it online did you?"

"No, Miss Moral Outrage," Mallory snapped. "I didn't. I got it from an associate of an associate…"

"Not Krieger…" Cyril groaned.

"Of course not!" Mallory snapped. "This is a friend of one of my old contacts who died a few years ago. Apparently, he had my number…"

"Everybody has **your number** ," Ray quipped.

"And got me on the ground floor of a can't miss business opportunity," Mallory went on glaring at Ray.

"A crate of champagne is a **business opportunity**?" Lana asked.

"It is if you can sell a prime bottle of Perseco Blanca Rio from Italy for over five hundred dollars a bottle!" Mallory snapped. "At ten thousand dollars a crate that's a steal!"

"Literally," Cyril glared at her. "As in you stole money from my agency to buy it!"

"And turn a profit!" Mallory countered.

"Hang on," Ray realized something. "I thought sparkling wine was only considered champagne if it came from **France.** "

"It is," Mallory told him. "Hang on…"

"Oh no…" Lana groaned.

"YOU FELL FOR **ANOTHER SCAM**?" Cyril shouted.

"I thought that bottle tasted a little off," Mallory blinked.

"You actually **taste** your alcohol?" Cyril snapped. "I though you just stuck an IV in so you could directly transfer it into your bloodstream?"

Mallory waved. "But we're not talking about me!"

"Conveniently for you," Ray quipped.

"Shut up!" Mallory glared at him. She turned to Cyril. "I want to talk about something else. Something you did without with my permission!"

"Something besides you embezzling money from the agency?" Cyril snapped. "This should be good!"

"It's not about the sex robots, is it?" Pam guessed.

"No!" Mallory snapped. "It's about that stupid magazine article! Read **this!"** She handed it to Ray.

Ray skimmed the article which had a picture of Cyril standing in front of the sign saying the Agency's name. "Figgis Agency New Agency In Town. A new detective agency has arrived to keep Los Angeles safe…"

"I dunno," Pam quipped. "I think we've done everything **but** keep this town safe."

"Cyril Figgis the head of the Figgis Agency," Ray began reading. "Opened up the Figgis Agency less than a year ago after leaving the field of espionage work…"

"Kicked out on his ass along with the rest of us," Pam corrected.

"Figgis graduate of…blah, blah, blah…" Ray waved. "Law Degree and BA in Criminal Justice from blah, blah, blah…"

"Personal stuff nobody cares about," Pam added. Cyril glared at her.

"Former defense attorney and specialist in financial law," Ray read on.

"With all the cooking the books you do you have to be," Lana said to Cyril.

"Spent many years travelling the world," Ray added. "Helping domestic and foreign governments…"

"You mean when you took over the country of San Marcos for three weeks?" Pam asked.

"Blah, blah, blah…" Ray looked at the article. "Oh here's something. Mr. Figgis says that he hopes his agency will bring class and respectability to a lawless world."

"Class and **respectability?"** Lana asked. "You had sex with a damn cyborg!"

"So did Archer!" Cyril snapped. "Well a human cyborg but pretty much the same thing."

"Nevertheless," Mallory said. "I find this article extremely tacky."

"You're mad that you're not in it, are you?" Ray asked Mallory.

"I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor," Mallory shrugged. "How much did you pay for this piece of self-esteem garbage?"

"Not half as much as what **you** pay for alcohol every other day!" Cyril snapped. "I could have filled the **entire magazine** with what you paid for that fake champagne!"

"And that's just for one bottle!" Ray said.

"Exactly!" Cyril snapped. "With what you paid for that crate of Korbel rip off I could have bought my own magazine and run it for six months!"

Mallory paused. "Fair enough."

"Besides I don't see **you** bringing in clients!" Cyril snapped. "Unless they're hiding? Are they hiding Mallory?"

"It's…" Mallory bristled.

"OH CLIENTS?" Cyril shouted out making a point to look around. "YOU HOO! CLIENTS MALLORY ARCHER BROUGHT IN! COME OUT! COME OUT! WHEREVER YOU ARE! OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!"

"You know…?" Mallory glared at him.

"I hate to say it y'all," Ray sighed. "But Cyril kind of has a point. Our agency needs **any** kind of positive advertisement. Especially after the whole Deadly Velvet mess. And the Double Indecency mess. And that whole thing with the killer clowns…"

"Exactly!" Cyril snapped. "That's why I did it!"

"That and to send a copy to your father," Ray added. "As some kind of proof that you're not a complete failure."

"I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor," Cyril shrugged.

Lana sighed. "I have to admit it's better than pink flyers of a dog in a Sherlock Homes hat."

"Hey!" Pam snapped. "Furlock Bones got us some good work!"

"It got us double crossed and **shot at** ," Ray looked at her. "Several times!"

"But why didn't you put this puff piece in a **real magazine**?" Mallory snapped. "And have me in it? Or mention Sterling?"

"In order," Cyril glared at her. "Because thanks to all of you skimming funds from the accounts I couldn't **afford** a better magazine. It's **my agency not yours**! And I didn't want the article picked up by Man Whores in Comas Aficionado!"

"That's a **thing?** " Pam blinked. "Who publishes it?"

"You do realize that Archer's reputation isn't exactly a plus, right?" Cyril snapped. "What with the piracy and the drug dealing? Being blackballed from spy work for gross incompetence as well as being a complete and total **dick!"**

"Sterling was a far better spy and agent than you could ever hope to be!" Mallory snapped.

"To be fair Ms. Archer, that's not exactly a high bar to cross," Pam pointed out.

"At least Archer wasn't spending his evenings humping a damn robot," Lana grumbled.

"AT LEAST I KNOW HOW TO **USE** THE DAMN ROBOTS!" Cyril shouted. "UNLIKE ARCHER! SERIOUSLY? WHO **DOESN'T** LET THE ROBOT GET SHOT FIRST? IT'S BASIC ROBOT DECOY 101!"

"Why I…" Mallory gasped.

"And Lana let's be honest," Cyril went on. "The only reason Archer didn't have sex with any of the robots is that he didn't get a **chance** to! Trust me, he'd have stuck his dick in a vacuum cleaner if he thought he could get off."

"Who told you about **that?** " Mallory snapped. "Damn Electrolux!"

"What?" Lana looked at Mallory.

"Seriously?" Pam gasped. "Huh. That does explain his fear of robots."

"He got over that pretty fast with Katya," Mallory grumbled.

"You two are just mad because I'm here and your precious Archer **isn't!** " Cyril snapped. "That's your **real** problem with me!"

"That's…" Lana gasped.

"Accurate?" Cyril interrupted.

"Oooh," Ray and Pam winced.

"Harsh," Pam remarked.

"It's the same old story!" Cyril went on. "Archer can do whatever he wants and he gets a pass! Cheating on you! Causing fights! Losing money! Getting you arrested Lana! But he gets a pass because he's Sterling Freaking Archer! All I did was have sex with one robot that kind of looked like Lana and I'm the bad guy? GIVE ME A BREAK!"

"Cyril if you aren't careful you will," Ray warned. "And not in a good way."

"And because Archer was too stupid to use a robot decoy correctly," Cyril went on. "And too arrogant to think that he might actually **die** he put this entire agency in jeopardy! Well I am **not** going to apologize for trying to clean up Archer's mess! And maybe if you two harpies didn't spend all your time putting Saint Archer on a pedestal you would realize that!"

"You do realize they only put him on a pedestal so they can tear him down right?" Pam asked.

"Makes for an easier target," Ray agreed.

"Lana the only reason you are still with Archer," Cyril went on. "Assuming you two still aren't on break…Is that you have a thing for good looking bad boys. And **you,** you wish your son was **half** as responsible as I am because let's face it…If he was…You'd probably still have a spy agency. Or at the very least more money. But you **don't**!"

Mallory was stunned. "Well that's just **hurtful!** Excuse me!" She stormed out.

"Way to go Cyril!" Lana snapped. "Mallory wait!" She followed Mallory out.

"Wow," Pam blinked. "Cyril, you grow balls at the worst possible times, don't you?"

"I am going to pay for that sooner or later aren't I?" Cyril gulped.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "Definitely."

"Oh that Figgis," Ray groaned.

"Dick," Pam gave Cyril a look. Cyril responded by going to a nearby wall and hitting his head repeatedly against it.


End file.
